Parents, we do the best we can with what we have, ideally. When two people are going through a divorce, however, they are often not on their best behavior because of the massive amount of stress that proceedings cause. The aftermath is no cakewalk either. That is why we offer family therapy to help you through if needed.
If you know anyone about 10 years post-divorce, just ask them, reality is blurred when you are divorcing and dealing with the aftermath. As a divorced mother I can ADMIT for a fact that things I thought and choices that were made may have been framed in my mind as:
- Won’t impact the kids
- Best for the kids
Much of it was all a ruse and it took LOTS of learning and self-discovery to clear the windshield revealing the road that lay ahead.
A side note: When it comes to divorce, all situations are different, and you can’t protect your child from everything BUT you can control your own behaviors to prevent them from having to deal with so much.
Here is your no-no list:
- Calling your child on their cell phone incessantly on the other parent’s time. Let them live!
- Blaming them, shaming them for forgetting items at their other home.
- Restricting the movement of items between homes.
- Talking about their parent in front of them or to them at any age.
- Comparing them to the other parent.
- Restricting time with the other parent solely because you don’t approve of the other parent’s style.
- Unnecessary rigidity with time, money, or communication.
- Introducing new love interests too early.
- Lacking structure in your home.
- Fighting in front of the child(ren).
- Using children for emotional support.
- Withholding your child from special events with their other parent.
These all may seem super obvious. Many of the items on this list are. To be safe, ask yourself each time you go to decide how your child’s perspective comes into play. Put yourself in their shoes. This can be hard for many people because some parents struggle with so much anger, shame, jealousy that they fight to clear the lens to see what the true outcomes will be.
At the end of the day ask yourself:
What are my intentions/goals?
How will my child feel?
What are the long-term effects on my child?
Always remember, your child is 1/2 of their other parent and that matters to your child on a biological and primal level.
Kristen Neal is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
