Growing up, I never understood the meaning of marriage. I used to watch Disney movies and rom-coms where two people love each other and live happily ever after. I daydreamed about being swept away and falling in love, yet realistically, I did not see it as a possibility. My parents had a bumpy relationship, yet they are still together. My father had a temper, and my mother would just shut down. Seeing those patterns at home I was against the idea of marriage for a long time.
Fast-forward to meeting my spouse, I was falling head over heels so fast. We used to be long distance for a little while and it felt like the most amazing feeling, straight out of a movie. I had butterflies in my stomach whenever I would get a message from him, and we would talk for hours on end. And then, when we reunited, it was exhilarating and we would make the most of our time together.
And then we started living together and I never lived with a man, besides my brothers. And it was unexpected, but not daunting. We learn about our little quirks and pet peeves. Time goes on, we go through the COVID lockdown together and things are smooth sailing. Then I recall a big argument we had, and it was about contacting customer service for a specific account. We had different perspectives, and it got to the point where we were only listening to ourselves and not to our partners. We sat down and talked about life experiences with each other and based on our upbringing and cultural differences we did not understand each other. I assume that conversation would be a one-time thing. Little did I know that is the majority of our relationship.
Then we had a baby, and the time we used to have together was not the same. We were sleeping in separate rooms, barely having conversations except when the baby was napping. We had to put our relationship in the back seat which meant resentment built over time. We would be angry at each other or snap at each other because our needs were not being met. We had to restructure the way we viewed our relationship; we needed to communicate what we were feeling and thinking. And most of all, we had to give each other space when things felt too intense to talk about at the moment.
I realized I had become co-dependent on my partner; I would feel insecure if he was not near me. It took me some time to understand that it started at the beginning of the relationship, so I took accountability. My partner is not perfect either he had her reevaluate his role in this relationship as a husband and a father. He realized he was not prioritizing himself and was aware that he needed space. And so, we constantly talked about finding solutions and sometimes it was productive and sometimes we were too tired to talk about anything.
Now we are in our 6th year of marriage together, we learned a lot about ourselves. Some days are just awful, and I think it won’t ever get better. But I remind myself that my negative thoughts are talking, and I need to take a step back and look at the full picture. I had to learn that not every day will be a good day for both of us and some days we will laugh and enjoy life. Being married means you have to get through the hardships with your partner, change does not happen on its own. We were both willing to make this relationship work because at the end of the day, we love each other and if we want to make this work we have to do the work!
I learned that to maintain your relationship to make sure to have hard conversations and be willing to hear your partner and what they need to feel supported. Marriage only works if you work together. I learned it is important to stay curious, especially when it’s a long-term relationship such as asking clarifying questions to better understand my partner and having check-ins with each other whenever we have a busy schedule. Overall, I learned that communication on both ends is important.
Moving forward into a relationship is making sure you take care of yourself and understanding what triggers you can come from traumatic experiences in your life. A professional counselor can help you work through your own experiences with individual therapy. Getting insight into who you are will strengthen all your relationships and the willingness to sit through the hard feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It is beneficial for early relationships to see a couple’s counselor work through ruptures and understand what marriage means, discussing the needs of each person in the relationship, and even what are the deal breakers that could end the relationship.
Nadia Raza is an intern counselor at Greenway Therapy. Learn more about her on her BIO page.
