When couples come to therapy for the first time and the counselor asks them what their goals are, improved communication typically tops the list. This is often a less vulnerable way to say, “I want us to stop fighting,” or, in some cases, “I just want them to stop being so inflexible.” They have arrived at counseling because one or both persons in the couple have reached their breaking point. Arguments are repeated over and over without real resolution, and there is a palpable tension that hangs between them.
Unfortunately, “to stop fighting” is an unrealistic goal for couples. When people come together in an intimate relationship, sharing significant amounts of time and space with one another, conflict is inevitable. Each person brings their own unique set of values, beliefs, and baggage to the partnership, and those things don’t always align. Instead, a more appropriate goal for couples is what Drs. John and Julie Gottman have coined their latest book – to “Fight Right.” As leading experts in the couples therapy field for more than 40 years, the Gottmans have completed hundreds of studies with thousands of couples, researching what makes relationships successful and what contributes to their demise.
The Gottmans’ claim the first 3 minutes of a conflict can predict the state of a couple’s relationship six years later, and that prediction has everything to do with the ratio of negative and positive interactions during a conflict.
Positive interactions during a conflict? What does THAT look like? When we think of fighting, we don’t think of “positive interaction.” However, that is what “Fight Right” is about – engaging in conflict with the goal of connecting rather than winning and creating a relational environment where it is safe to express one’s needs and differences. It defines the difference between isolated and perpetual problems and how they must be navigated differently. It busts relationship and conflict myths, describes the most common points of conflict in relationships and which conflict patterns are problematic, and offers practical suggestions on how to fight more productively. The book describes how to begin a dialogue more effectively, how to de-escalate or manage emotional tension, and how to repair when we inevitably hurt our partner (because we are not perfect, this is a process, and learning is a lifetime task). At the end, readers will find a Quick Guide with key concepts and practical suggestions couples can consult as they are building their skills for each stage of conflict.
As a reader who is in a 26-year relationship, I couldn’t help but think, “Damn! I wish someone had taught me this stuff a long time ago.” It’s practical, simple, and straightforward. It offers illustrations of real relationship conflicts that help the reader feel like they are neither unusual nor alone in their experiences. And it’s a quick read.
However, as a counselor I worry it may be a bit simplistic. The suggestions in “Fight Right” are good for partners who have done some of their own individual work, who are moderately aware of their own emotional needs and triggers, and who can verbalize them to some degree; they are not for people whose conflicts are violent, exploitative, or abusive in any way.
“Fight Right” is a practical guide to help couples work through conflict and build greater connection and intimacy, and overall, I give it 4 out of 5 stars.
Denise Fattic is a Intern Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
