Perception Rules You

Last Friday night sitting around a large, round deck table at our marina, a boat captain turned to me and asked, “How do you do it?”

I said, “Do what?”

“After living aboard your vessel, how do you counsel people?” he asked.

We are still new at this life, but I knew exactly what he meant. He meant that the world view of someone living on a boat is totally different than a person living on the land. There is always a HUGE transition, and not many people are born into the lifestyle of living on the water and, boy, it has been a paradigm shift. Trying to explain this change in perspective is really difficult, to say the least, but it’s even harder to explain it to someone who has never experienced a major life change, who may believe the experiences of those around them are the same as their own, or who believe the answers they are seeking are contained only within their own perspective or worldview.

I thought about his question for a couple days and have concluded that the process of making a total paradigm shift, several times over in life, has afforded me a unique worldview that is beneficial to my clients. It is my job to lead and teach.

First, I am keenly aware that one way of living or thinking, for that matter, isn’t real AND you can make changes anytime you want. It may take a lot of effort, but it is possible.

Second, I am in the business of change, and I have first-hand experience that it is possible. This is important when selecting a therapist. My worldview is derived from many vantage points; I don’t exist in one world and, as a client, this is of huge value because you, the client, benefit greatly from someone who isn’t confined to the same exact box you are trying to get out of.

Do you want to go live on a boat? Probably not, most likely not, however, you want change and I have lived it, and I am intimately aware of the process professionally and personally.

Perception rules our lives. Outside of mathematical or scientific facts, what you believe to be true isn’t the only way to look at something. We often trap ourselves unknowingly in belief systems that limit our ability to achieve happiness. Some are big lies we tell ourselves and some are small.

Let’s take people pleasing for example. People pleasing is one of the most destructive things I’ve seen humans do in my career, outside of being a total sociopath (but that’s for a different blog), and people pleasers are some of the most well-intentioned, destructive people I have met.

It’s so insidious because people pleasing is wrapped up in false altruism. It eats away at relationships, opportunity, and health. It is a sneaky thought process because you, as the people pleaser, are rewarded on some level by your environment to repeat the behavior. The rewards come at unpredictable intervals which makes this social dynamic so addictive. In reality, people pleasing simply defers negative consequences that will show up tenfold down the road. Maybe you have a heart attack, maybe your husband leaves you, maybe you find yourself in an impossible situation.

The belief system of people pleasing is “I want others to be happy.”

The emotional truth under the behavior is “I only feel safe when people are happy” or “I’m afraid of conflict.”

So, how do you change this or any dynamic within yourself?

Try on new perspectives for size and practice them. See what works for you and repeat until your new reality feels familiar. It takes time and the consequences may seem strange to you at first. Maybe you lose a few friends, maybe you need a job change. There is always a little turbulence when life takes a shift, but that’s okay!

Unsure about what to try?

Expose yourself to different kinds of people, media, and activities to learn about other ways of life and thinking. You will quickly be surprised by what you find and see change emerge within yourself faster than you could ever imagine!