I just came across this TikTok (I know, I know) that was a parody of someone spraying their significant other with, “Okay Spray” so that when they ask, “what’s wrong?” instead of saying, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay” they get sprayed and instead say the actual issue. Whoa, what a novel concept. I’ll have to admit; I chuckled pretty hard at this one. Why do we do this to ourselves, our partners, and our relationships though? Would it not be easier in the long run to simply state what it is that is bothering us? Long story short, yes and no.
It can be scary to be vulnerable with your partner. Opening yourself up and allowing your partner to know the inner workings of what is upsetting you from anger to sadness and everything in between is intimidating. Even when we fully trust our partners, there is still an internal level of protectiveness that exists within us and makes us what to shut down. There is also a fear of rocking the proverbial boat and all the “what-ifs” come crashing down. For some, there may be a history of partners or others who have been less than supportive when bringing up issues. Additionally, if your current partner becomes defensive when reporting a concern or twists it, this can make it even harder to effectively communicate your feelings.
With the former in mind, it is undoubtedly overwhelming to discuss your feelings with your partner. So how can we get to the point where talking about things that fall under the umbrella of upsetting are okay with our partners and make us feel good doing it?
First off, talk to your partner about individual needs when it comes to listening. Some good practice habits when it comes to listening are to ensure that you are giving your partner your undivided attention. Stay away from looking at your phone, playing video games, or watching television while your partner is talking to you about something that is bothering them. Try to not get defensive. If you are getting defensive, ask yourself what is making you feel this way and work on addressing it in the future. Additionally, work on not interrupting when your partner is talking so that they may address what they need to say. Last but certainly not least, be mindful of your body language and non-verbal communication. Scoffing at what your partner is saying, rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, etc. indicates defensiveness or disinterest at best and can derail the conversation.
There are also tips that may help you get your concern across to your partner more effectively as well. For instance, communicating your concern in an “I feel ____ when you ____” format may lessen defensiveness in your partner. Using the, “I feel” statement is essential so that one party does not feel attacked. Also, pay attention to your body language (this goes for listening and for expressing concerns)! It doesn’t matter how many of the, “I feel” statements you are using, if you are expressing a concern to your partner and you are raising your voice or crossing your arms or otherwise indicating that you are not in the mood to be in their presence, chances of your partner getting defensive or not taking the concern well are going to increase. Additionally, focus on one topic at a time. It is perfectly normal if talking about your concern leads to a concern of your partners. That being said, that needs to be addressed AFTER the initial concern has been discussed, otherwise you both will feel like you are going in circles and nothing is getting accomplished. Another tip is to repeat back and to have your partner repeat back to you what it is that was being communicated. Oftentimes, we misunderstand what our partners are trying to communicate to us and as a result can often become defensive or ready to strike back.
All in all, arguing in a relationship is inevitable. To be honest, disagreeing is a good thing! It says that you both are comfortable stating your opinions with each other and speaking up rather than sliding things under the rug. It’s all about HOW you disagree that determines if it is healthy or not. That being said, expressing your feelings and thoughts should be empowering and allow you to feel confident in yourself and your partner after. So, don’t make your partner get out the “okay spray”, work together so that you both can feel comfortable in expressing your thoughts and feelings with each other.
If you feel like you need an some extra help communicating in your relationship it might be time for some couples counseling. It just so happens we have many therapists here at Greenway that can help.
Ashley Rickert is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
