Turning Towards Your Partner

A couple is arguing, both individuals do not make eye contact, arms crossed, and their focus is elsewhere. Do you think these issues will be resolved? Based on the couple’s body language, they are closed off from each other.

Much of the research on couples discusses the importance of connection for a healthy relationship. One of the ways it can be shown is to have each partner turn towards the other and not away from nor against one another. Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on relationships as friendships. As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.

So how does turning toward your partner work?

For instance, in the first example of the couple arguing, one of the partners can observe how the other individual is feeling and they respond positively as they felt validated by their partner. Other ways to show turning towards is nonverbal gestures such as grabbing the other person’s hand and other gestures of physical intimacy to cultivate connection.

Gottman calls this interaction “a bid” where one partner makes a bid for connection and the other partner accepts that bid. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

There are many ways for individuals to make bids for their partners. Such as responding to simple requests from their partner, being affectionate, planning a date together, and even problem-solving.

Suppose the partner in the couple who was arguing initiated physical intimacy with their partner, yet the partner resists the gesture. If the partner keeps turning away or this not accept further bids from their partner, they will feel rejected which can in turn cause the couple to distance themselves.

An alternative situation would be that the couple continues arguing and avoid bids altogether. Then, they turn against each other by displaying negative thoughts and feelings. This situation would be called turning against each other.

Why does turning towards your partner create a connection?

Overall, turning towards your partner provides an outlet for open communication. It lets the other partner feel heard and seen in the relationship. When conflict arises, both individuals can come together with the help of bids for connection. And the bids are not a one-way street, there are many ways you show your partner that you are there for them and you are actively listening. The first step is to start simply by asking how their day is going or if they need a hug. Being present in the moment with your partner creates a connection.