It’s somewhat easy to have compassion for others (maybe it’s not, but that’s for another post), but many times it’s not as easy for us to have compassion on ourselves. For one reason or another, we are just so much harder on ourselves than others. Of course, we could spend hours talking about why we are harder on ourselves, but that would probably be a more constructive conversation in the confines of your own therapy room. Specifically, I would like to address how we can gain self-compassion.
Perfectionism belongs in the garbage
No one can be perfect, not even you. You’re holding yourself to a standard that you can’t reach. It’s hard to have self-compassion when you keep missing your target. That target you’ve set for yourself is unreachable (even for the people you put on a pedestal). My suggestion is to throw perfectionism in the garbage and create new (realistic) expectations for yourself. Just because you’re not a perfectionist, doesn’t mean you can’t have standards. You can still strive to meet your ideals and have realistic expectations of yourself and others. Getting rid of perfectionism means that when you don’t meet those ideals or expectations, there will be less negative self-talk and, as a result, you’ll be able to get back to working towards those ideals or realistic expectations instead of spiraling like you usually do. Life does not have to have this much pressure to be a certain way, you can make your own way.
Comparison sucks (the life out of you)
If I had to take a guess, most of the perfectionism that you experienced has come from a comparison that was made. It doesn’t really matter where that comparison came from, but it could come from parents, friends, yourself, the media, etc. It doesn’t even have to come from a comparison of yourself to another person, it could come from a comparison of person/thing A to person/thing B. Decreasing the level we compare ourselves to others will help our feelings of perfectionism. We have to tell ourselves that just because someone else has a trait, doesn’t mean we have to, and we don’t have to have that trait in the same way if we do have it.
Part of decreasing comparison is increasing the level of which we are content with ourselves. Contentment doesn’t mean we think we’re totally fine and think we have no growth points, it just means that we are settled with ourselves and still work on the goals we’ve set for ourselves (not based off of what others say we need to do).
You are no less or more special than anyone else
This has potential to be a harsh point, but you are no less or more special than anyone else. Hopefully that brings you comfort. You are inherently worthy. So is everyone else. I believe that knowing this is a key factor in being content with yourself and decreasing the level you compare yourself to others. We each have a set of strengths, hone the ones you have rather than chasing the strengths of others. You don’t have to contribute the same things other people do and other people don’t have to contribute the same things you do. I hope we don’t all contribute the same things in the same way, without all of our strengths (and growth points) intermingling, we wouldn’t function as a society. Our differences are what makes life interesting and bring us a sense of connection as well as autonomy.
I know that these three things don’t cure the feelings you started the post with, but I hope you finish with some insights. Of course, it’s not all encompassing or nuanced specifically to your situation, but I do hope you consider discussing this with the people in your life or journal about your own feelings of perfectionism, comparison, worthiness, and self-compassion. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Ashley Heinrich is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.