Being a Good Citizen in Marriage

So, you are in love. That’s great! Now – how can you keep it alive?

First and foremost, you need to be a good citizen in your marriage. That fuzzy feeling that got you here won’t keep you here because everyday life isn’t a sitcom romance. There are bad days, and it’s those bad days, or even mundane days, that define the relationship.

Become an Expert in the Mundane

In over a decade of being a counselor I am still astonished when I ask people how they show up for each other in small ways. They look at me like a deer in headlights – like I have asked the most absurd question. “We are just trying to survive!” they say in more ways than one.

But marriage is not a passive bond of lust. The day-to-day WILL set in, and it is up to you to become an expert at it.

How, you ask?

Do something unexpected: take out the trash when you normally don’t or trade expected responsibilities without being asked. Do kind things that are regular or irregular. Big and small. Flowers are nice but not sustainable. Bring a towel to the shower for your love or a cup of coffee. Bring home a favorite treat or plan a date night. Show small gestures of affection and attention. Ask yourself, “How can I show my partner that they are loved and valued today through more than just words?”

Be mindful of your tech usage. Phones, video games, and the like are so addictive that they can ruin perfectly good bonds. Nothing on those devices is more important than your relationship. Work toward balance. You will thank me.

For the Love of All Things Holy, Learn to Communicate

You most likely know how to talk, but you may not know how to communicate. Communication is a skill you build. I see so many couples’ clients who have totally reasonable expectations for their relationship and their needs within it, but the way they communicate these things destroys their relationship. Or, often just as damaging, I see couples who avoid communication in a misguided effort to keep peace or reduce conflict.

Here are some of the most common poor communication habits I see couples exhibit:

• Saying way too much at once and overloading their partner with information without giving them time to respond
• Talking too quickly
• Talking too slowly
• Trying to solve problems while angry
• Being dishonest about wants or needs
• Projecting childhood trauma on a partner
• Not leading their partner to a healthy communication pattern with patience and gentle correction
• Threats of leaving
• Using words like “always” or “never”
• Talking in circles
• Ignoring bids for repair by their partner
• Talking about too many problems at once
• Not staying present

Key communication skills to focus on include building empathy, listening, negotiation, reading body language, and working to understand the human condition.

What do I mean by “understand the human condition”? I mean you should get educated in how humans learn to relate and form bonds through communication, attention, and care, also known as “attachment”. Learn what can happen when successful relationship bonds aren’t part of someone’s early development. You will be surprised how much more sense people make to you once you understand this (a good place to start is with the book “Attached” by Levine and Heller).

Act Like a Partner

You aren’t living with your mom or dad anymore, so you can’t loaf around and simply do whatever you want all the time. You should be able to be yourself, yes, but be intentional and understand that another person committed their life to you. Have respect for that and show that respect any way you can while honoring yourself and the promise you made. You can pull from the ideas I shared above, or you can sit with yourself and reflect on what you do well as a partner and what areas of improvement you may need to give some attention to.

It would certainly be helpful to approach your love and tell them you want to be the best partner you can be and ask them what they want or need. Checking in regularly with your partner should be an ongoing practice. What your partner needs (or doesn’t need) may surprise you.

Partnership is More Than a Fluffy Feeling and Good Sex

You think I am kidding, but I am amazed how far people think the whimsical feeling of love will get them. It matters, for sure, but it is not everything. I encourage people to place value on the idea of strength in numbers. You are a partnership. A partnership offers financial benefit for each of you as well as health benefits that science shows go far beyond the simple safety of having only one sexual partner. Hopefully, you have a best friend, and two brains are better than one when problem solving. Let’s not forget the satisfaction of growing old together and seeing all you built as a team. Companionship is highly valued among our species!

In my work with couples, I’ve noticed that when someone really shows up for the practical side of the relationship—things like planning, logistics, and everyday responsibilities—it boosts their “citizenship points” in the partnership. Their partner feels cared for and respected, which makes it less tempting to look for emotional or sexual connection elsewhere when things get tough. Putting energy into these everyday details also tends to spark better communication and even a willingness to get good at the little, mundane stuff—because those small efforts start to feel like real investments in the relationship.

Hopefully this has given you food for thought. Don’t be afraid to hire a couple’s therapist to guide you and your partner through opportunities to grow both personally and relationally. For relationship therapy to be most effective it should be used BEFORE the you-know-what hits the fan, so don’t hesitate to start the work now!