Being a People Pleaser Pleases No One: How Saying Yes to Everything Is a Yes to Nothing

Overwhelmed. Failure. Not enough. Disappointing. Missing out.

Did I just read your mind? Is this what you were thinking about as you clicked on this post?

These are thoughts and feelings we’ve all had while trying to squish everything in. Ask yourself, what’s the fear behind these thoughts? Will you feel lonely? Insignificant? Out of control? Excluded? Are you afraid to sit with your own thoughts?

Saying yes to everything leaves you and others feeling lonely, insignificant, out of control, excluded, and overwhelmed. But that’s the very thing I’m trying to avoid!

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to blame this all on you, nor do I want you to blame you, but you’re the one reading the post, and you can only be responsible for your own actions.

The fear of all of these feelings are creating a continuous loop in which you try to fit more in to feel more connected, significant, in control, included, and at peace, but in doing more you’re feeling the opposite. And the cycle continues.

So…how do I not feel those things?

First, try some small practical steps. Practice saying ‘no’ to small things like flyers handed to you on the street or when someone offers you something you don’t want. Then you can practice saying ‘no’ to things like plans with acquaintances or trying to fit in plans that just won’t work, even if you want to try to make them fit. A standard I hold myself to when I am thinking of adding something to my life is “if my yes is not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s really a no.” Important: this standard never applies to the baseline responsibilities that you have, you can’t stop doing the dishes, being kind, or caring for those under your care because it’s not an enthusiastic yes. It is not an excuse for abuse or neglect of any sort (of yourself or others under your care or not). This only applies to adding or subtracting extras such as leading a small group, meeting a friend you see frequently, answering casual phone calls, etc.

Second, create a list of your priorities. Knowing your priorities is important when trying to create margin in your life. When I say ‘margin’ or lack thereof I mean that your life looks like this:

ButIreallywannahangoutwithfriendA,butfriendBwillbeupsetifIcancelplansagainbecauseIcanceledplanslastweekbecauseIforgotIhadplanswithfriendD,butfriendDalsohadtocancellastminutesoinsteadofgoingtoplanswithfriendBImadeplanswithfriendC,sonowIneedtogotothegymwithfriendB,butfriendAistalkingaboutsomethingvulnerableandIdon’twannainterrupt,butIneededtoleave10minutesagoifIweretobeontimetomyplanswithfriendBandItoldfriendCI’dcallthemtonight,soIguessI’lldoitonthewaythere,butwillfriendAandCbesad?????

And you have no space even for spaces between your words. So you are consistently being unreliable, potentially untrustworthy, and not emotionally present for yourself or others. Notice the cycle?

Third, stop overcommitting. You’re exhausted. You’re feeling that long list of emotions we talked about before. But I want to do all those things I’m committing to. I know, but it’s just not possible. A ‘yes’ to one situation means a ‘no’ to another. This is why it’s important to know your priorities.

Lastly, have empathy for yourself. You cannot change the things you have already done, but you can change the things you will do. Nothing will change if nothing changes. Make small changes, but know that this will not get solved overnight. Now is the time to treat yourself like you’re sick, eat foods that make your body feel good (there are no off-limits foods), move your body (walk, stretch, or do whatever movement your body is craving), spend time with those who replenish rather than deplete you (but don’t overcommit!), spend time making your space one that you enjoy, and go to therapy 😉(people pleasing can’t be solved in a blog post).

It’s tough to feel this way and not know how to get out of the cycle. Hopefully, these four small steps will help you know if you are a people pleaser, how to start to get yourself unstuck, and have empathy with yourself.

For people pleasers everywhere: stop being so hard on yourself.