My partner and I were recently having an argument. Truthfully, it felt like both of us were going around in circles and in doing so, I lost track of what I was upset about in the first place. I felt like he was not listening to me and despite my biggest efforts, he felt similarly.
So, what is it that leads us down this path where neither partner feels heard? Furthermore, how do we stop it dead it in tracks before our train gets completely and utterly derailed?
Secure Versus Insecure Attachment in Relationships
Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, describes this phenomenon as boiling down to attachment to your partner. When things aren’t right in a relationship, how we communicate about it is the important piece. When we feel securely attached to our partner, we feel comfortable processing and exploring our feelings with them because we know that they will show up for us mentally, physically, and emotionally.
When we don’t feel that same attachment or feel an insecure attachment, we can engage in stonewalling, criticism, contempt, or defensiveness; better known by John Gottman, popular couples’ psychologist, as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. Navigating through the aforementioned four horseman can feel like an impossible journey but you and your partner are in it together, so rely on each other.
Working Towards Secure Attachment
To begin, take responsibility for your actions. I understand that sometimes this can feel like admitting defeat in an argument; however, “winning” or “losing” is not the purpose of this work. The purpose is to say, “hey, I understand that my behavior has an effect on this relationship as well. Let’s talk about it.” By doing so, you are also modeling this behavior to your partner of what your expectations are and how to achieve them.
Explore one issue at time. This is an area I try to drive home with all my clients: don’t throw other issues in the mix to avoid talking about the issue at hand. That can drive you and your partner toward the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and further from resolving the original issue. It’s important to set boundaries in this area, even making statements such as, “we aren’t talking about that right now. We can come back to that at a later time.”
Have mutual respect. There should be no influence of power and control in your relationship. Help your partner feel safe and validated. To do so, stay away from name calling, cursing during arguments (this can be hard but important for some), triangulation, and yelling. Instead, try techniques, such as using a softer tone, making physical contact like holding their hand, and letting your partner know that you understand their hurt.
The Pitfalls of Bottling Emotion
If you’re feeling something, say it. Don’t wait until it builds up to an explosion. Something that I see far too often in couples is this idea of waiting until I “just can’t take it anymore” to say something. Doing so usually results in escalation of the situation. Instead, if something is bothering you, talk to your partner about it. Our partners cannot read our minds. They have no idea if that thing they have done a hundred times bothers you or if you don’t like the way they joke about certain topics. Do not let your feelings build up and spill over into other things that grate on your nerves. They can’t fix or work on what they don’t know exists.
All this is to say, be open with your partner. Take the time to put down your defenses and hear what they are saying to you. Take a step back from saying, “yes, but…” and simply focus on hearing what it is that they are feeling and be open to understanding what that must be like for them. Build that secure attachment to your partner so that the next time conflict attempts to derail you, your train doesn’t falter.
Contact Us to Connect with a Therapist
If you or someone you know could benefit from working through relationship issues, we are here to help. At Greenway Therapy, we have multiple therapists who can guide you on your journey, provide resources, and support you.
Have more questions? E-mail us at admin@greenwaytherapy.com, or call us at 800-353-6402, and a therapist would be happy to talk with you!
Ashley Rickert is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
