Counseling for blended families is like marrying coaching, consulting and counseling all together in order to get the results a family is wanting, usually, peace. Counseling allows clients to get into the why of a dynamic whereas coaching and consulting delves into the action items that can be done in order to enact change.
Most people remarrying with kids in the mix find themselves in over their heads quite fast without counseling and coaching. It is no wonder because dynamics in any family system are nuanced. The histories every individual of a blended family piles on a myriad of variables that impact relationship dynamics of the family. Not getting help managing the new family arrangement would be like running a business with no employee manual, HR department or training for new hires. It is simply a mess!
What are the typical struggles blended families AKA complex family systems encounter?
Alliances
A very common struggle kids have when their parents remarry is feeling like they are betraying their other parent by even liking the new member of the family. This spans every age range. It is important for kids, including adult kids, to know that no one will ever replace a mom or dad. It is simply impossible. This struggle will pop out most often at sporting events in which mom and dad are both present with stepparents present as well. Kids display the confusion and discomfort by not knowing who to say hi to, where to sit or what to say.
Discrepancies Between Houses
One of the most difficult tasks is parenting between homes. House rules, relationships, expectations, schedules, roles, attitudes… even the water pressures are different. Change is good for kids to experience but this much change with such frequency is confusing and stressful. It is a nice thought to think that divorced parents can work together to create harmony between homes, but the reality is that divorced people are divorced because they CAN’T work together, therefore, most people won’t even have the opportunity to collaborate between homes. How do you handle something you can’t control? Well, let go of what you can and the rest you normalize and set boundaries around. The specifics on how to navigate this topic is unique for each family and would require a consult to parse out for your family, in particular. For now, just know that discrepancies between houses are a normal source of annoyance for everyone.
The Role of the Stepparent
Oh boy, you never know what lost feels like until you try and parent a kid that you did not donate your DNA to. Talk about feeling like a third wheel and irrelevant. Even if you are in a loving, supportive marriage that is a picture of health, kids create complexities. Even the best of kids. Know that this is normal and smoothing out the rough edges will take a very intentional collaboration between you and your partner. The good news? If you are open to it, kids make you grow in ways you never thought you could. Just like finding that new muscle at the gym. You’ve got this.
Anyone well-meaning and motivated, comes to a blended family session with a pencil and paper ready to go. They always ask, “What can I do or read to get started?” I tell all my couples to know themselves and their partner. Really, know the why behind your own behaviors, desires, and proclivities. If you know why then you can work with it. This concept is rooted in interest-based negotiation strategy. After that, understand how human behavior works. Seems like a tall order, I know.
You can start by reading about attachment.
The book Attached is a great place to start. You can grab that off Amazon. The Gottman Institute has great articles on marriage in their blog section that can help in understanding how to communicate in a marriage. The book, Beyond Logic, Consequences and Control is also a good read for those needing to beef up on behavior modification techniques. Most people have no training in that department. Another, non therapisty, book to check out is Never Split the Difference. That book is about tactical empathy and is written by an FBI hostage negotiator. Anyone married needs to read this book.
If you find yourself in a blended family standing there overwhelmed and clueless, as most of us do, ask yourself – Where is the gift in all of this?
If you are addicted to growth like I am, growth and an opportunity for deep connection with your spouse would be the answer. There are new answers with every day that passes.
Kristen Neal is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
