Many in Generation X came home from school to an empty house devoid of adult supervision. We were expected to let ourselves in with our “latchkeys”, do our homework, complete our chores, take care of our Nealer siblings, and stay out of trouble until one or more parents arrived home from work. The sharp increase of dual income households and divorce in the 1970s and 1980s1,2 meant our parents’ attention was often divided or missing entirely.
Our parents, who are typically later members of the Silent Generation and Nealer Boomers, knew little about the benefits of supporting kids’ emotions because their parents, our grandparents, had been too busy struggling through hardships like wars and major financial crises to be concerned with how little Johnny was feeling. When our parents were present, they passed on a specific set of values and expectations: children were to be seen and not heard; don’t complain if you’re picked last on the playground or if you lost your last game. Chin up. Don’t cry. Soldier on.
As a result of our early independence and responsibility, Generation X largely learned to be self-reliant and hardworking. Unfortunately, we also learned our parents were often not there for us physically or emotionally when we needed them to be.
Then we became parents ourselves, and we vowed we would not be absent from our kids’ daily lives.
Cue the sound of the helicopter circling overhead.
The Problems and Benefits of Helicopter Parenting
Although the motivation may have been good, the execution of Gen X’s version of the “proper parent” has been problematic. The term “helicopter parent” was first used in 1969 by child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott and then by child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay in 1990 to describe parents who often hover over and around their kids, are overly involved in their activities and schoolwork, constantly assessing possible problems and stepping in to smooth the path for them.3 Sometimes they can be controlling and interfere with basic tasks that are developmentally appropriate for kids.
I know I have said, “Here, let me do it for you” more times than I can count and more times than was likely helpful to my own kids’ growth and development.
The effect of this approach may be quite damaging.Some research has shown that kids parented in this way develop social skills more slowly, are prone to academic burnout as they get older for fear of disappointing their parents, experience stress and frustration more easily, have a tough time regulating their emotions, and have higher rates of anxiety and depression. These kids may struggle with self-advocacy because their parents are always advocating on their behalf. In addition, this style may result in a strain on the parent-child relationship when the child decides it is time to step out on their own and erect boundaries in their relationship with mom and dad.
But it isn’t all bad news.
Helicopter parents are more likely to know where their kids are and who they are with, which means more physical safety.5 They tend to promote the value of education and have a high expectation for success. They seek out tutors and resources when kids are struggling. They are also keenly aware of their kids’ physical health and catch health issues earlier, resulting in healthier kids.
Achieving a Balance between “Hands Off” Parenting and Handholding
A balance of parenting styles is possible, but it does take discipline on the part of parents. We must be willing to set reasonable boundaries for ourselves and our kids – and then control our own fear when they walk right up to, and sometimes through, those boundaries, allowing ourselves to step in only when the consequences are serious. We must be willing to see our kids struggle because it is through struggle and failure that we learn the most. Be available for advice without telling our kids exactly what and how to do everything. Recognize when the situation requires adult intervention and when it is useful and educational for the child to fight his or her own battles.
I write this blog post not because I am an expert in parenting, but to remind myself how I can improve my own parenting style, and, in so doing, improve outcomes for my kids.
If you are struggling with parenting, or any other issue, call us to schedule a session today.
Sources:
- https://www.pewresearch.org/ft_dual-income-households-1960-2012-2/
- https://www.insider.com/divorce-rate-changes-over-time-2019-1#in-1970s-the-annual-rate-was-35-per-1000-but-by-the-end-of-the-decade-it-reached-51-divorces-per-1000-americans-10
- https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-to-know-about-helicopter-parenting
- https://www.choosingtherapy.com/helicopter-parenting/
- https://www.verywellfamily.com/helicopter-parents-do-they-help-or-hurt-kids-1095041
Denise Fattic is a Intern Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
