Marriage: When to Call it Quits

Hopefully anyone you have asked about if you should call it quits in your marriage has responded with, “That is for you to decide,” because it is only for you to decide. Only you know the ins and outs of you and the dynamic between you and your partner. As you go along your journey of discernment, here are some guiding posts to consider to help you make a decision.

Abuse

Is there abuse present in the relationship on either side? If there is abuse, chances are it’s time to call it quits. Abusive dynamics are resistant to change. I have heard the term abuse be misused, so let’s define it.

Abuse: Abuse can be emotional, financial, psychological, sexual, verbal and physical. Abuse is not always totally obvious to a person being abused because they are so close to the dynamic, abusive dynamics may feel familiar because of the length of the relationship with the abuser or family history. Abusive dynamics chronic and the abuser does not have to be aware that they are being abusive. Rather the abuser is aware or not, abuse is meant to control another person for personal gain or pleasure.

If you are in an abusive relationship and you are scared, please reach out to the A.L.I.V.E group to get shelter, clothes and help getting out.

Sacrificing Yourself

Are you sacrificing yourself to try and keep your partner around? This is a way of relating that goes back into your childhood. You learned this behavior from somewhere and now you are drawn to people that enable you to unconsciously try and solve the attachment problems from your upbringing. So, if you had a father that was hot and cold, you may unconsciously pick a partner who is hot and cold to fulfill the belief system that if you just be a good little girl or boy you can earn their love. This is a toxic dynamic and someone willing to participate in it is toxic too. How do you fix it? Discover your own self-worth. Fill your own cup and love yourself first. Once you lose the drive to please other people to get your needs met, you will attract healthy people.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

John Gottman and his wife outline the concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which are; criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. In a nutshell, if any of these dynamics are present, the relationship is starting to be in trouble or is on the brink of ending depending on the severity. Couples can learn new ways of communicating once they understand themselves enough to identify what their triggers are rooted in. That awareness helps couples communicate more effectively. If a couple are not able to develop this awareness and learn how to respect each other in a relationship, the relationship is over.

Infidelity

Relationships are built on trust. If you do not have trust, you have nothing at all. A small percentage of couples are able to come back together after infidelity but the relationship is changed forever. Those who are able to come back have the insight and the ability to put in the hard work around how the relationship ended up in the place that it did. Staying or going is a personal choice that involves many variable one of which includes your own set of values.

There are different categories of cheating. Some people cheat because they are unhappy and have grown away from their partner. Some cheat as a way to be pulled out of their primary relationship, some cheat because they are unfulfilled but are too scared to divorce. There are also the people who cheat because they are sociopathic and do not have the ability to engage in emotional closeness and commitment. These people show little remorse and are able to hide their true selves very cleverly. Some people cheat because they have extremely low self-esteem and can’t seem to help themselves and can’t help themselves when they get an ounce of attention.

It is up to you to decide which category of cheating you are dealing with and how likely the problem can be resolved. The likelihood of resolution solely sets on the ability to introspect, understand and change perspective.

If you need help, please call the office and schedule a counseling appointment. We’d be honored to help you through this tough time.