My Marriage is on The Rocks, Should We Separate

You’ve made a lifelong promise to each other but one or both of you feel like something is unlivable. It is so hard to bring up the topic of separation because it scared even the person who wants the separation. Marital separation is a huge step towards divorce or possible clarity and then resolution.

Why would a couple separate?

Hopefully, couples separate to get space and gain clarity about the situation at hand. The dynamic has become too uncomfortable, volatile or simply over stimulating to hear your own thoughts or feel your own soul. You just don’t know anything anymore and so a separation would give the space to gather your own thoughts to make a decision about what direction to go. Can we resolve this, or should we move on?

The Process of Marital Separation

Some couples jump the gun too fast and commit to leases right out of the gate before they even understand their own feelings. The most successful marital separations involve a scaffolding process in which someone stays with a friend first, then moves to a furnished rental and then to a leased property if necessary.

This process allows space for you to get some space without a ton of financial commitment you and your spouse may regret later. Fast decisions are rarely good decisions. Decisions made from fear and anger don’t usually turn out how you expect.

Ground Rules

You need ground rules for separation. Do you both agree on dating during the separation or not. Will you date each other or have scheduled times when you get together? Will you contact each other on the phone and if so, how often? If there are kids involved how will the separation impact their time spent with each parent?

Managing Finances During Marital Separation

Couples that separate sometimes get what’s called a legal separation which is the same thing as a dissolution of marriage minus the dissolution of marriage. This means that you are still married to your spouse but the division of property, custody issues, child support and maintenance are all decided in a legal document. This help protect you legally and financially. You should talk to a lawyer to decide if you need a legal separation.

Take this process slow. Write out all the ways a separation may help or hurt your relationship. Think about what you would like the ground rules to be and come together with your partner to discuss. Remember, if you are introducing the idea of separation, it will not go over well at first. People need some time for these changes to sink in before they can agree calmly.