If you are currently sitting in a problematic situation or experiencing a difficult emotion, it can feel suffocating and endless. Sometimes, the severity and intensity of an obstacle we are facing or emotion we are experiencing can be so draining there seems little hope for change. Even people who do not experience a diagnosable mental health condition will undergo a period or event that leads to feeling stuck or unhappy with themselves. When the pain or negative consequences of that problem/emotion becomes unmanageable, that motivates people to consider counseling in order to make a change. You might think to yourself, as many others have before, “what if nothing changes? Even if I…(examples might include go to counseling and ask for help)”. The “what if” thinking usually leads to unnecessary and preventable anxiety that can lead to catastrophizing (thinking a problem or emotion is the end of the world or might as well be), worst case scenarios or black and white thinking that does not leave room for mistakes or unique situations. In reality, nothing you want to change and feel is insurmountable.
Many motivated and successful people never feel happy with themselves due to wanting to live up to a standard they or others have set for themselves; usually this ideal is unrealistic. When faced with a dilemma of changing or staying in the endless and monotonous cycle of pain or negative emotions, sometimes it feels best to know you are stuck over making necessary changes. I find it best to undergo a process with clients experiencing this very cycle that helps them explore their ideal person or even breaking it down to a smaller more manageable concept of what changes they would like to make, such as exercising regularly or reducing caffeine intake for physical health benefits and reduction of anxiety. The way we perceive the problem, change, and how to undergo the change process is crucial to success! The first thing to note is, you are not alone. Many people want to better themselves and feel ashamed because they have tried countless times to make changes to their life that break the cycle, yet their efforts seem wasted. Understanding what change or changes you would like and need to make, then finding a way to realistically identify how to make that change happen can be extremely productive yet feel difficult to practice in reality. Many of us have been there countless times!
My personal working theory of change, sourcing from client and personal experiences and outcomes, is that change comes from feelings. If you are feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired, that will lead to an attempt to seek change. It can be beneficial to begin by focusing on changing, as anything more than escaping the painful feelings of shame, guilt, and being stuck are hard to look past in the beginning of this process. Remembering that eventually the painful emotions and cycle can be broken over time can be a later step, simply realizing that these feelings will not last forever, change is always possible, yet maintaining ideal yet realistic goals for yourself to track the growth. I have found that change cannot begin to occur when we are unconscious of the problem. Self-awareness can sometimes be painful, yet that conscious realization that something is a problem and you would like to see a different result is a necessary step. Afterall, doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result has been quoted as the definition of insanity! Our default behavior can feel comforting because of the familiarity and thoughts of “I will always be this way or feel like this, so why even try to change” can feel overwhelming and true. These overpowering rain clouds will pass, so long as we can recognize the problem, contemplate making a change, make a plan and begin implementing the action. Recognize that change necessitates a period of struggling to maintain the change through a “relapse” of negative feelings/maladaptive behavior patterns. If you don’t give up when uncomfortable in the change process and refrain from throwing in the towel on making change because it feels pointless, then change is always possible. Beating yourself up because you are not seeing quick and perfect results from your efforts? That means you are right on track for making change, as you are self-aware and able to continue putting in the necessary effort. Remember to make realistic bite-sized goals to attain larger goals to help you reach your ideal person that is capable of change will lead to so much growth and self-empowerment. Accepting yourself for who you are, your faults and merits, can lead to practical self-evaluation that is grounded in factual evidence. Accepting yourself, becoming self-aware of things you see that could be different, and then beginning to make those tiny changes of action and thought processes are how desired long-term results can be manifested.
Again, I cannot emphasize the effectiveness of maintaining small goals that are bite-sized and manageable for producing change. For perfectionists, these smaller goals might feel frustrating. Especially for those of us that like to make changes quickly over time, but that truly can make the difference between continuing to stay stuck or making necessary changes. Be willing and giving yourself permission to be imperfect-we all make mistakes! Ever heard that saying that change is a process of gradual incremental growth over time? There are times I think, well, I can’t do this now or better, so I won’t do it at all. I have heard many clients with similar sentiments. Acknowledging that every person who is alive is either struggling with something or working to change something about themselves, their thinking, or their maladaptive habits is what makes us alive and conscious of the human condition. It may not always feel like a gift to be self-aware, but it truly can be if we embrace the journey of change. Reminding yourself that absolutely no person can ever be perfect is a great thing to remind yourself when you are sitting in the “suck”. I have seen many clients underestimate the power of having realistic expectations of themselves and even the ability to give themselves grace. Allowing yourself the permission to be imperfect is such a freeing experience, a lot of people who are used to trying to make other people happy because they never seem to find happiness within themselves can benefit from taking the power back for themselves through saying that they are trying to improve and grow. Many of us have heard the saying “trying is just an excuse for not producing results”. This might be true in some instances, but many people who are ready to make a change to the point they are seeking help from others and attending therapy are actually trying every day and that is enough. You are enough. It doesn’t matter where you are in your change process.
Change is empowering. Rather than focusing on the negative cycle that is currently ongoing, remember that realistically striving towards change is the first step. I definitely recommend scheduling an appointment with a mental health therapist like myself or any of the other wonderful clinicians at Greenway Therapy if you are finding yourself in a repetitive cycle that leads to feeling stuck. Having a professional help you think through what your personal realistic expectations for change include, process unwanted thoughts and feelings leading to a desire to change and a feeling of lacking the ability, along with having someone reality check your change process can be so effective in producing results. Finding the ideal you is exciting! Iimagine being able to look yourself in the mirror with a smile on your face and say, “that person is doing okay because they are doing what they feel is best for themselves and continually working to make the changes they have desired to make”. I wish you all the best in your process of gradual growth and change!
Elaina Taylor is a PLPC at Greenway Therapy. Learn more about her on her BIO page.
