For many people the holidays bring a sense of excitement and joy, and a part of that is special time with family. For many people the same can be true about stress for the exact reasons–especially time with family. This can be due to several reasons: you–and your family members, too–might not be used to spending time with so many people with different personalities in the same space, there could be some unresolved conflict that can create tension, or people may unintentionally revert back to old behaviors. This can be due to family norms built over years and possibly generations that you or others may have stepped out of once people moved out of the house. The good news is, you can walk into your next family gathering with these tips in mind, and you just might not feel the need to race back out.
- Be aware of your own expectations and assumptions, and resulting emotions. If you notice thoughts of “I should…” “they can’t…” etc. take note of your emotions following. It’s natural to have uncomfortable emotions. Meet yourself and others with compassion around this and allow yourself time to self-regulate, whether by taking deep breaths (exhale!), journaling, drinking some tea, etc. as long as it’s a healthy coping. By feeling your emotions fully, you can then respond in a healthier way. This can also include asking for help in planning/prepping a get-together if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Help out in ways that help yourself, too. Ok, another boundary. If possible, stick to the tasks that bring out the best in you and/or will help you cope with the times–again, in a healthy way. This means if you enjoy decorating, decorate or set the table. If you need some space but want to still be productive, help make a side dish in the kitchen, or offer to go to the store for a missing item if you really need some space. Putting your hands to a task that you can see the product of might help you relax and feel productive, also.
- Set and maintain boundaries. This is in regard to time boundaries, emotional boundaries, and sensory boundaries. First: time boundaries. Attend only the events you personally enjoy. By doing so, you can personally enjoy the celebrations and be fully present–not just physically but emotionally, too–at the events you attend. Others may have expectations for you to attend e-ver-y-thing, or you might think you are required to. While this may maintain external peace, it might create or reinforce inner turmoil. Weigh the pros and cons of each and make your decisions accordingly. Consider trading off different years for different event obligations, if possible/needed. Next, emotional boundaries. You are allowed to speak up when someone asks you personal questions or makes statements that aren’t their business (for example: questions like when are you bringing your partner for gatherings, going to go back to school, etc. or comments about how much dessert you’re having). In response, you can say, “I’m not ready to talk about…”, “I realize you’re interested and I’d rather talk about X…”, “Yes I really enjoy this meal”. If they continue to push, acknowledge you heard them before and either change the subject or let them know you’ll step out if they ask/continue to comment…which brings me to the last: sensory/physical boundaries. If it gets too noisy, hectic, or just generally uncomfortable, you can move to another room or step outside for some air. This can help regulate your emotions and give you some feeling of control in the space. This is also in regard to leaving the venue to return home to your place, or if you’re hosting, notifying everyone ahead of time what to expect re: how long the party is.
- Change the topic of conversation if needed. Another component of boundary-setting. If there’s a topic that usually comes up with the people present that tends to lead to more tension, change the topic. Identify other conversation options beforehand that might be more neutral. While this can help maintain that external peace I mentioned earlier, this can help maintain inner peace as well, at no-one’s expense.
- Identify and accept what is within and outside of your control. Ultimately, all you have is control of yourself, and while you can influence others, you don’t have control over them. The same goes for them and their relationship to you. If you find this difficult at first, sit back and observe a conversation or people in the room and just observe without response of judgment or why. This can help you stay engaged while maintaining some space.
The holidays can bring about many different–possibly conflicting–emotions. Keeping the above tips in mind, my hope is you can cope healthily with family this holiday season, and for years to come.
Chelsea Wire is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy. Learn more about her on her BIO page.
