Should I Have Children?

It’s about 9 years ago and I am sitting in my closet of a therapy office waiting for my first counseling client. I’ve got my brown leather loveseat ready to be used and a giant desk modeled after the old accordion style desks from the 1900’s facing the opposite wall.

I have no idea what I am doing.

A person comes in as a willing victim to be my very first client ever. My graduate program was officially in school counseling so that means I did my internship in schools with kids, not in the community with a variety of clients.

This counseling client, in particular, wanted help answering the question, Should I have kids or not?

I am thinking to myself, this is a no brainer, of course you should have kids if you want kids. At the time I had no idea how to dig into this question and the reasons behind why someone would seek counseling in order to answer it. (This coming from someone who wanted nothing more than to start a family as soon as entering adulthood.)

Note: Not all new therapists were as clueless as I was.

Needless to say, the client did not return for subsequent appointments. I knew why; there are deeper connections rooted to that question that are not obvious to the lay person and I did nothing to help her expose those roots.

Should I have kids?

After almost a decade of doing counseling in the realm of attachment trauma therapy, complex family therapy and marriage counseling I know there are any number of reasons why a person may ask this question. Sure, a factor can include money or timing in their life but if someone is asking this question and seeking paid help to boot, there is a high probability there is childhood “stuff” involved in the hesitation. Like, maybe they were an only child, maybe there is trauma or dysfunction of some sort in their history. Something was hard in some category to cause a person to want to dive into this and get answers.

It is my job to help a counseling client peel back the layers to identify what those things are; answer the question, what is really going on here? Once I get a client to discover that, they “move” [emotionally] quite quickly to their own answers.

There is no right or wrong, surefire answer to the question, should I have kids?

What are some common themes people like you and me worry about when procreating?

• What if I am just like my mother/father and damage my child?
  • Spoiler: We all f*&K up our kids
• What if I am a bad parent, generally just bad?
  • A rule of thumb is- if you are worried about being a bad parent chances are you aren’t or won’t be. Guaranteed you will make mistakes.
• I like time to myself and freedom, what will life be like when that is gone?
  • You likely won’t notice BUT it is important that the world does not revolve around any child.
• The world is a bad place now, I am nervous to raise a child in this day in age.
  • It’s actually been difficult in every century, in different ways.
• When is the right time?
  • There is never a “right” time per say. There may be a more convenient time. Many variables are involved here.

The good news is that if you do suddenly find out a baby is on the way, all of the above disappears when you hold that child in your arms. Suddenly all that matters is them.

Having a child is a personal choice.

Hire a counselor to help you dig into your unique concerns around having a child. Each stage of life has a tendency to bring to the surface deeper issues you have not dealt with yet. Kids and the simple topic of kids is one of those top triggers. Use this transition in life to discover yourself on a deeper level.

Remember, you are normal! Many before you have pondered the same questions in life.

Please reach out to our office if you live in Illinois or Missouri and need a therapist. Everyone we hire at Greenway Therapy is delightfully skilled. You can’t go wrong with anyone.

Check out our CLINICIANS page to read about a counselor near you to make a choice!

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