Part 2:- Codependency and People-pleasing
The South Asian culture highlights the importance of sacrifice, helping others, and selflessness. Yet, when these values are turned into maladaptive behaviors, such as codependency and people-pleasing tendencies, individuals are compelled to put their own needs aside to help or please others.
Codependency can come from a place where believing your self-worth is related to what you can do for others. In addition, individuals find it difficult to say no and are unable to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others. They might overextend themselves by helping, or worse, foster toxic dependency to keep people reliant on them so they can continue feeling worthy and useful.
Some examples where codependency would include catering to the needs of your parents when it comes to your career interests, plans for the future, and even appearance so you try to make them happy, and your needs have become secondary. Similarly, examples of people-pleasing can be seen as when you consistently take the giver role in the family, you expect to feel loved and validated by your loved ones, and when you do not receive external care, you will harbor resentment toward others which can stem your beliefs on whether or not you are “good enough” to be in relationships or you put those people-pleasing beliefs into future relationships.
Within the South Asian communities, they are conditioned to learn that having boundaries means you are selfish, and you are “betraying” your family by pursuing your own needs. Generally, individuals can have guilt when they initially go against the social norms they were taught in their upbringing. When any idea or cultural norm is deeply ingrained, breaking out of the cycle can be difficult, and many people feel the residuals bleed into their relationships.
If someone is finding difficulties moving forward with codependency and people-pleasing, talking to a mental health professional would be the next step. Surrounding yourself with individuals who encourage the importance of one’s own needs and not focusing on pleasing or even rescuing others can minimize maladaptive behaviors can lessen the anxiety and depression that come with unattainable beliefs/norms. One last thing to consider is that many people, regardless of cultural background can relate to these experiences, and being aware of them can help you move forward to discover your true self and that your needs matter!
A resource that looks at the mental health facts and statistics from the South Asian Public Health Association (SAPHA).
https://www.sapha.org/resources/mental-health-facts/
Nadia Raza is an intern counselor at Greenway Therapy. Learn more about her on her BIO page.