The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: From Fairytale to Fallout

No one will ever be as excited to see you as a narcissist after a massive fallout.

You are standing on your front porch, and he/she is jumping up and down with joy, a smile spread across their face. You get a hit of dopamine as you anticipate the intensity of being in their arms again and reconnecting through love making like in a fairytale. After you make love, you feel that everything is going to be okay and that you are fine—you won’t lose them.

Reconciliation occurs and there is peace for a short while, until tension starts to build again.

You chalk up the rise in tension to a difficult day, being busy or tired, or maybe you said something wrong, and you could be better. Your inner voice says, “If I do this, then that won’t happen…If I just xyz…” You bob and weave through the coming days and weeks like a running back on the football field (the ball is your relationship, and the bobbing and weaving is everything you do to try to manage the energy in your home and protect your relationship from crashing seemingly unpredictably.)

Then, WHAM-O! Your partner has another outburst, and you feel as though you have been clobbered near the end zone by a 350-lb. linebacker.

As a therapist I hear this story a lot. This cycle is not unpredictable at all; it is emotional abuse, and it is VERY predictable.

Here is the cycle: tension building, incident, reconciliation and then calm… repeat.

You will never change a partner who engages in this. It is up to you to get out.

How do you recognize a pattern of abuse versus normal human mistakes in partnership?

First, the abuse pattern is not present. The hiccups in the relationship are not gross violations of your humanity and both partners show the ability to reflect, take accountability, and demonstrate some sort of effort towards consistent change.

How do you protect yourself from abusive relationships?

Simply put, SELF LOVE. Pay attention to your own behavior. Do you have healthy boundaries? Do you share your thoughts, wants, and needs with others, or do you beat around the bush to manage emotional environments and keep the peace? Do you sacrifice your own wants, needs, opinions, and interests for those of others’? If you do any of these things you are a target for unhealthy people to take advantage of you.

If you need to clean up your own habits to attract healthier relationships, educate yourself on what “healthy” looks like! You can read books, watch videos on YouTube and/or seek therapy to learn more about how you can adjust your own life experience.

If you are interested in beginning your journey toward self-love and healthier relationship patterns, contact Greenway Therapy at 800-353-6402 to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians.

Always remember, you have more control over the trajectory of your life than you might think!