My mother died somewhat unexpectedly on a Sunday morning. Her health had been declining and she was 81 years old, but nothing at the time seemed urgent—until it was.
My father and I arrived at the hospital as her care team was performing CPR, and when we entered the ICU waiting room, the doctor asked us to decide if they should stop all life-saving measures. The prognosis was extremely poor.
After making a few calls to my husband and sisters, we were permitted to go sit with my mom for a while. When I entered the ICU room and saw her lying still on the gurney, I was overcome with a myriad of emotions. Honestly, it is only now, as I reflect on those first moments, that I can even begin to parse how many different emotions were present.
- Deep sadness – the kind that feels like a punch to the chest, as if all the air has been sucked from your lungs.
- Relief – she won’t have to deal with the doctors and hospitals she loathed with every fiber of her being.
- Guilt – how can I feel relief that she is gone? I’m a terrible daughter.
- Shame – I must be a monster for being relieved.
- Terror – I am literally in the room with someone who is dead. Oh my god – did she just twitch? (It’s alarming to see the movements that can still occur post-mortem, and the ICU staff neglected to remind us of this possibility.)
- Anger – why couldn’t she have taken better care of herself? Why couldn’t she have mothered me in the ways I needed? How dare she leave me here to take care of my dad all by myself? (Cue guilt and shame, again.)
The first day passed in a blur, and then the second day. I drifted among tears, anger, and numbness. I had no hunger but ate at mealtimes because it was a distraction. Friends and family asked, “How are you doing?” I replied, “I don’t know. I don’t know how to describe this.” By day four, I turned to my husband and said, “So this is what grief is.”
As I continued to try to understand the swirl of emotions I was experiencing I realized I had never really felt “grief.” I had felt sadness for myself and others, I had felt disappointment; but the words “sadness” and “disappointment” were far too uncomplicated and basic to fit in those moments.
Perhaps that is why the word, “grief” was invented. It encompasses emotions like sadness and disappointment, but also includes anger, guilt, confusion, anxiety, numbness, relief, loneliness, and even sometimes hope. We feel these emotions to varying degrees and at different times, and often, these feelings are influenced by the experience we had with the person while they were still living. Complicated relationships often lead to more complicated feelings. Seemingly innocent and well-intentioned comments by mourners can send us into a tailspin of anger and resentment, which then morphs into guilt and shame. It’s important to give ourselves permission to feel all these emotions without judgement or self-incrimination and to seek support from friends, family, or professionals when needed.
In my moments of detachment during that first week, I watched those around me and observed their emotions. Although I knew from my training as a counselor that grieving is a highly personal and unique experience, I only knew it in my head. Now I know it in my heart.
In the three months since my mom passed away, I have found myself receiving the advice and direction developed from years of counseling and psychology research, and I am trying my best to implement it. I am allowing myself to feel all the feelings – and trying to do so with as little judgement as possible. I often talk about the loss with my own counselor; there is something healing in sharing the pain because the burden is heavy. I have collected some of my mom’s special things and one day I hope to make a shadow box with them to memorialize the parts that bring me joy or tenderness. Writing this blog has also helped me identify and articulate what this loss has meant to me. Above all, however, I am working to be patient with the process. Like many journeys, navigating grief can be full of ups and downs and unexpected turns.
If you are struggling with feelings of grief, please call us at 800-353-6402 and schedule an appointment with one of our counselors.
Denise Fattic is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about her on her BIO page.
