Why is my Child Misbehaving?

Whether you’re a parent to a Nealer child or an older teen, how often do you ask yourself “why can’t they just behave?” Many parents struggle with this same question. The truth is that the answer is typically complex and unique, just like your child. But, having more insight into the why behind child behavioral concerns can often help us better understand how to respond to, and correct, the problem.

Many children experience adverse situations at some point in their development, whether that experience is grief or loss, community-based violence, or bullying at school. Sometimes, even “normal” situations or life transitions, like changing schools, may have unexpected impacts on children and their sense of felt safety in the world. Behavioral problems can be symptoms of a child feeling unsafe, confused, or worried.

Adults have often developed the language to describe uncomfortable emotions, but children and adolescents are still working on their communication abilities. Remember, nobody is born knowing how to identify a feeling and explain that feeling to others! This is a skill that the brain develops over time and with lots of practice. Thus, behavioral problems can emerge as a way for children to communicate about what is going on inside their minds. Sometimes “bad” behaviors like lying, stealing, or throwing tantrums are ways that kids try to get their needs met.

In these tough situations, parents are often at a loss of how to help. Understanding that your child is not willfully being “bad” is a good place to start. Seeking to better identify your child’s unspoken emotions and needs is a great next step. This can be tough to navigate alone, and child therapists are trained to use play, art, and talk therapy to help caregivers support their children and make behavioral changes. The goal is to help children successfully self-regulate and identify healthy ways to cope with difficult feelings.