The story so far…
In Part I we learned self-worth is a critical human resource often confused with what is known as conditional acceptance. This provisional approval requires us to earn our worthiness moment by moment, day by day. This fragile state of acceptance also presumes that we are unacceptable because we are innately “less than.” Inherent worth, however, assumes that we are worthy from the beginning because we are here, we exist. Self-worth is a birthright woven into our existence.
What could possibly be more important to the self than self-worth?
One clue to that which holds more importance to the human soul than our sense of worth is found in the goal of the conditional acceptance process. If we look closer at this process by which we “earn” our worth, we find we often tend to be more interested in controlling our worth than we are in owning our worth. Instead of owning our inherent worth we choose to pursue self-improvement. Our devotion to the notion of self-improvement is often fierce. We discover the progress toward increased self-worth is not linear, and at the end of one pursuit is yet another self-improvement project. If there is a hint of increased value, that experience tends to be described as fragile and fleeting. We may even tend to dump or diminish the merit we have earned to secure renewed motivation to work even harder on our new and improved self-improvement scheme.
What exactly are we playing at here?
The answer in a word is illusion. We are busy with the task of creating the illusion that we are in control of our worthiness when, in fact, we are cashing in our self-esteem to create a worthiness we can claim as self-conceived. We tend to be happiest when we are pursuing achievement, but once we cross the finish-line we must find ourselves unworthy or risk realizing worthiness chase is over. Hence the sayings, “the hunt is sweeter than the kill” and “the grass is greener on the other side.”
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-worth?
Self-worth is the inherited value of human existence. It is a worth that cannot be added to nor subtracted from. This worth holds the intrinsic importance of our individual being. Self-esteem is the achievement of skill mastery. Self-esteem can be built and increased as we as we hone and develop skill sets and carry out greater feats and reach higher heights. Self-esteem tends to be linked more directly to sense of purpose and organically rewards us with the satisfaction of what we have come to know as “success.” Strangely, however, when we employ self-esteem to do the work of self-worth, esteem is found wanting.
Let’s consider adolescents who stay up all night to reach impossibly difficult levels on a favorite video game. As they walk the halls of their school the next day, exhausted but intoxicated with their cyber success, they are often surprised to find the inferiority they had experienced the week before is still there. It seems self-esteem does not translate well to the jewels of worth that await our acknowledgement.
It also seems that we are less interested in the truth of our worth than we are in our illusions of control. Worth is truth but we do not tend to prefer truth. We tend to prefer our illusions. The charm of our illusions is in how they facilitate the notion of control. We hold fast to our illusions because we believe that control holds the key to dominion. We want to be rulers. This wanting supersedes our desire for worth, leading us away from the worth that lies undiscovered within us. The desire to dominate programs us to be followers who would devote ourselves to the ways and means of conditional acceptance. Thus, self-discovery is replaced with self-improvement and self-worth is replaced with self-esteem.
What is the difference between self-improvement and self-discovery?
While the process of self-improvement is imbued with all the efforting that might make something perceived as not good enough better, the design of self-discovery leads to an actual encounter with our authentic self. Growth in self-discovery is the actual bonding process with our inner character. It has an organic autonomy, a design, that is independent from external influences and definitions. “Self-discovery” presupposes that instead of building something toward a state of completion, you are on a journey to uncover something that has always been complete. “Self-growth” is trying to discover as well as uncover an actual being within you that is now, has always been, and always will be both whole and good enough, like the sculptor who does not add clay to the stone but rather chips off the inessentials to reveal the truth of the original shape hidden within the stone. This suggests that the self-discovery process is about the deliberate search for our authentic self and that inherent worthiness that cannot be added to nor subtracted from.
Where am I on my self-discovery journey?
Using the continuum below, consider where currently fall on your journey of self-discovery.
Self-Discovery: To have a personal encounter with the inner voice of the authentic self. To sense a connection with the self within who believes in you and knows intuitively who you are. To find one’s inner self.
Self-Ignorance: To exist in a state of unawareness. To lack the sense of the existence of one’s inner being. To survive without experience with the ways of hope and imagination.
| Self-Discovery | |——|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–| | Self-Ignorance |
| 50 40 30 20 10 0 10 20 30 40 50
|
Tune in next month for Part III, when we will reveal the ways in which we give away the power of our worth.
Larry Marshall is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about him on his BIO page.
