I Don’t Want My Ex Back But I Feel Guilty That My Family is “Broken”
You have made it out of the old relationship and you are on your way to a happy life with the person of your dreams, your best friend.
Why do you find yourself texting, talking to your ex or thinking about your old life so much?
If it was so great you would certainly be with your kid’s other parent. It wasn’t working and splitting up became necessary, but you feel an intense guilt or, longing even, that it could be put back together so you could have the happy, in tact family that you and your kids deserve.
These feelings can create all sorts of behaviors in the person that is experiencing them; and they are COMPLICATED.
Feelings like this can arise from many sources. Maybe your parents had a nasty divorce when you were a kiddo and it left you feeling torn, scared, confused and most of all wanting to build a family of your very own that would never be apart. Making it so your kids wouldn’t have to go through what you went through.
While this is a common source of the angst divorced people feel, your deep rooted reason for your feelings about your own divorce could be literally anything your mind cooks up. It is possible to not even be aware of the why. Regardless, you feel confused and like total crap.
How do you resolve this? I would suggest therapy, of course! Let’s get into why…
You need to figure out what is causing these feelings and if they are something you need to resolve or explore. Maybe your previous relationship didn’t get closure, maybe you broke it off too fast or maybe you are romanticizing the whole idea of marriage and kids with your ex.
A lot goes in to sustaining a healthy marriage.
You know how conception and birth are a real biological miracle? The sperm has to meet the egg, then the egg has to travel down the fallopian tube and attach to the uterine wall. Then… the egg has to divide its cells over and over, avoiding genetic mutations in order to avoid miscarriage. THEN, the baby has to keep growing, survive birth and make it through the first year of life! Not to mention all the environmental, chemical and other factors involved.
There are essentially as many factors involved in sustaining a healthy marriage as there are in the production of a fetus.
A LOT of factors come in to play when developing a relationship that will impact if it is healthy or not, including; brain development, genes AND all of your past experiences that built your perceptions, schema, etc.
Most of the factors that go into a healthy marriage you are not in control over because you can not control other people. You can only control yourself, what you are open to and what you learn. Basically, how much you try in a relationship to make it healthy.
If your partner did not want to work on the relationship there is nothing you could have ever done to change that.
Going to therapy helps you make the decision, with a hopefully unbiased person, about if you should truly entertain reconnecting with your ex or if you need to process through the very complicated feelings that go along with splitting from the mother or father of your children.
It is hard to see your kids bear the hardship of divorce.
Your children will be fine as long as you follow simple rules;
-Don’t talk bad about their other parent
-Keep your eye rolls and attitude to yourself during exchanges
-Keep arguments out of earshot of the children
-Let them know it is okay to love their other parent even if they are a bad parent. All kids love their parents no matter what and that’s okay!
-Let your kids know you are sad and disappointed about the divorce or split as well.
-Remember it is okay to miss the good times. It is okay to communicate that to your kids.
-Remind kids it is also okay to love their parents and their new step parent. This love is not betrayal.
Remember it takes time for grief to pass AND it is so hard to do alone.
Divorce bring up so many feelings and you truly should consult a therapist. Greenway Therapy is conducting therapy sessions online now, so it is easy to set up an appointment.