Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence can be extremely scary, shameful, and exhausting. Oftentimes, partners can feel exhausted from the cycle, scared, lonely, and feel shame for the abuse occurring. People may feel trapped in a relationship, feeling like they don’t know how to get out without more abuse occurring or how to move on outside of the relationship. In domestic violence relationships, the perpetrator may make the person feel as if they are unlovable by anyone else and/or isolate them from their friends and family.

Typically, the cycle occurs in three primary stages: the honeymoon phase, building tension, and the explosion stage. Once the explosion stage occurs it is typically followed again by the honeymoon phase. In doing so, it can be confusing and make the person feel as if it won’t happen again, that they were at fault, or that it was a one time occurrence. The honeymoon phase may instill a sense of false hope. The building tension phase may make the partner feel as if they are walking on eggshells. This phase in itself can be traumatic and mentally draining. Oftentimes, leading the person experiencing this stage to feel anxious and on edge in other areas of their lives as well.

Abusive relationships may also include financial abuse or strain. Making the person feel as if their finances are being controlled by the perpetrator or that they may not do anything without being granted permission. This also may look like receiving an allowance for, “good” behavior and not getting it when “bad” behavior occurs, as per the perpetrator.

It is important to note that while you or someone you love may be involved in an IPV relationship, you cannot force them (or even yourself) to leave until feeling fully ready. The perpetrator may engage in various manipulation tactics in order to win the person back and without full conviction to leave, keeping distance and boundaries may prove to be difficult. Instead, if someone you know or love is in an IPV relationship, listen to what they say and be there for them when they need you. Stay away from bad-mouthing their partner as this may increase shame and make it more difficult to talk to you in the future about it. If you are involved in an abusive relationship, extend yourself empathy and grace; be kind to yourself the way you would your best friend or family member. While I know it can be scary to get out of the relationship, help is out there. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are two wonderful therapeutic tools to help process the trauma caused by intimate partner violence.