Marriage Counseling and Discernment Counseling: What’s the Difference?

Marriage is complicated—two people, intertwined lives, shared history, and sometimes, quiet questions about whether love can be rebuilt or if it has already slipped through the cracks.

When couples seek guidance, they may enter marriage counseling, committed to rekindling what was lost, or discernment counseling, uncertain whether there’s anything left to save. These two distinct approaches to addressing relationship issues, each with their own unique goals and methods, provide space for reflection but have vastly different destinations. Understanding their differences can help couples choose the right path for their specific needs.

Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a process where partners work together with a trained therapist to improve their relationship. The goals are clear —reconnect, repair, and strengthen. Partners step into sessions willing to fight for their relationship. They unpack buried frustrations, learn to listen without defensiveness, and rediscover intimacy in the space between conflict and healing. It’s a slow, deliberate process, requiring commitment and effort, but for many, it leads back to solid ground.

Key aspects of marriage counseling include:

• Focus on Relationship Improvement: With the help of the counselor, couples identify and address issues that are causing distress in their relationship. This can include communication problems, intimacy issues, financial disagreements, and more.
• Long-Term Commitment: Couples who engage in marriage counseling are typically committed to working on their relationship for the long term. The process involves regular sessions over an extended period, allowing for gradual progress and sustained improvement.
• Therapeutic Techniques: Therapists use various techniques to help couples improve their relationship. These can include cognitive-behavioral therapy, emotionally focused therapy, and other evidence-based approaches. The therapist may also provide tools and exercises for couples to practice outside of sessions.
• Goal-Oriented: The goal of marriage counseling is to help couples build a healthier, more satisfying relationship. This involves setting specific goals and working towards them with the guidance of the therapist.

Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is distinctly different from marriage or couples counseling, and it is a relatively new approach designed for couples who are uncertain about the future of their relationship. The primary goal of discernment counseling is to help couples gain clarity and make informed decisions about whether to stay together or separate. It’s a pause—a moment before a final decision. Couples sit across from each other with questions neither one has dared to voice aloud. One may be leaning toward divorce, the other desperately holding on. Here, the counselor doesn’t push for resolution but instead helps them understand their own hearts. They examine their history, weigh the paths ahead, and face the stark truth: stay, leave, or commit fully to deeper marriage counseling.

Key aspects of discernment counseling include:

• Focus on Decision-Making: Unlike marriage counseling, which aims to improve the relationship, discernment counseling focuses on helping couples decide whether to continue working on their relationship or to end it. The process involves exploring the pros and cons of both options.
• Short-Term Process: Discernment counseling is typically a short-term process, lasting between one to five sessions. The goal is to provide couples with enough clarity to make a decision about their relationship without committing to long-term therapy.
• Individual and Joint Sessions: Discernment counseling often involves both individual and joint sessions. The therapist meets with each partner separately to understand their perspectives and then brings them together to discuss their findings and explore options.
• Three Paths: Discernment counseling guides couples to consider three paths—staying in the marriage as it is, separating or divorcing, or committing to a period of intensive marriage counseling to work on the relationship. The therapist helps couples weigh these options and make a decision that feels right for both partners.

Choosing the Right Approach

Deciding between marriage counseling and discernment counseling depends on the specific needs and circumstances of the couple. Both offer valuable support for couples facing relationship challenges. Marriage counseling offers hope, while discernment counseling offers clarity. If both partners are committed to improving their relationship and willing to invest time and effort, marriage counseling may be the better option. It provides a structured environment for working through issues and building a stronger bond. If one or both partners are unsure about the future of the relationship, discernment counseling can provide the clarity needed to make an informed decision. It is particularly useful for couples facing the possibility of divorce.

By understanding the differences between these approaches, couples can choose the path that best aligns with their needs and goals, leading to a more informed outcome. Keep in mind, however, that grief can reside within both choices. Couples may find themselves mourning the relationship they once had, whether it survives or not.

Whatever road a couple chooses, one thing remains true: love is never simple. But even in the messiness, meaning can be found.

If you are looking for help with an intimate partner relationship, contact Greenway Therapy at 800-353-6402 to make an appointment with one of our counselors.