Parenting Kids with Trauma of the Attachment Variety

What is psychological trauma? Trauma happens to the psyche when something happens in the environment that kick the central nervous system (CNS) into fight for flight and then the body can’t go through the full stress response.

This means that attachment trauma is a trauma that happens to a person, most often children, who experience a break in the bond with one or more of their close caregivers.

Why does a break in the bond cause trauma?

That is a good question. The simple answer is that humans are wired for connection for survival. When there is an attachment break the child’s body goes into fight, flight, freeze and this response is stored in the CNS. In everyday circumstances bonds aren’t broken immediately, rather, the bond is challenged over time resulting in confusion, fear, trust issues and ultimately behaviors that the adults around the child notice as intrusive or worrisome.

What are the ways in which attachment trauma can occur?

• Divorce
• Death
• Moving a lot
• Parental conflict
• Conflict in family systems
• Court
• Adoption at ANY age
• Absent parenting for any reason
• Lack of structure in day-to-day life
• Alcoholism in the home
• Drug use in the home
• Revolving door of lovers

Life is never perfect

As you read this, or any other parenting literature for that matter, don’t lose sight of the fact that you CAN NOT protect your child from everything. If you got a divorce that is not wrong. Many things that happen in life are not inherently wrong or bad in and of themselves.

Now, without judgement, take an inventory of what your child has gone through in their life. Try and put yourself in their shoes. Do any of the events and experiences you think of challenge trust, security, or safety? The answer to the question does not lie in your intentions as a parent but lie in the perception of the child.

The goal every parent should strive for is to simply seek to understand and grow from that understanding

The richest gift you can give your children is the gift of allowing space to make mistakes and knowing it is okay to adjust and move on. You are their model for this. If you can do it they will feel like they can too. Besides, life is more interesting when we get curve balls. Curve balls spawn creativity and are grist for the mill.

Now that we have that out of the way, chances are you are a more in tune parent just by the mere fact you are reading this.

So what? What about the behaviors you are seeing at home?

Attachment trauma can show up in so many ways. You will see the people pleasers on one end of the spectrum and the fighter on the other. People pleasers typically fly under the radar. Sometimes for their whole life because people pleasing is rewarded in society. It makes other people feel good, so why would anyone see it as a problem?

I am going to speak to the parents who have kiddos that lie on the disruptive end of the spectrum for now

Your child is exhibiting some or all these characteristics:

• Resistance
• Outright defiance
• Self-injurious behaviors

o   Drugs, smoking, alcohol, cutting, slacking

• Grooming may be lacking
• Angry outbursts
• Destructive behavior
• Pushing people away
• Wanting to be close
• Depression about relationships
• General anxiety
• Possibly very emotionally deep and expressive
• Poor grades
• Poor diet
• Difficulties at school with peers and/or staff

The list can go on.

To the parents with a quiet sufferer:

Your child is exhibiting some or all these characteristics:

• All of the above minus the angry, disruptive behaviors
• You may notice they bend a lot to make others happy
• Their grades may be good, but they are reclusive
• Perfection is often highly prized
• Focus on performance
• Efforts to manage the emotional environment

At this point you have hopefully been able to decide if you think your child may be suffering from attachment trauma. Here is what to do about it

Firstly, if a lightbulb is going off seek HELP know that you, in the beginning, it is very difficult to navigate trauma on your own. Contact a therapist who specializes in trauma. There are several therapists at Greenway Therapy that can help.

The best way to tackle the struggles your child is having involves a handful variables:

1. Addressing the dynamic at home.
2. Parent education.
3. Parent implementation.
4. Therapy for the kid.
5. Parent coaching.
6. Consistency

This is quite the road that is best traveled with support. We are more than happy to answer any questions you have about where to start given your unique circumstances.