Slaying the Shame Monster

Shame holds us back from the things we want, like a little monster on our shoulder next to good and evil. Shame is driven by fear that leaves us stuck. Shame creeps in with a concerned voice saying things like “you aren’t smart enough to achieve that, you will just show everyone how dumb you are” or “I’m going to fail and everyone is going to judge me, I shouldn’t even try” and “everyone secretly hates me, and just tolerates my friendship”. Our shame monsters know us well, so well that their words can feel like confirmation of the fears and anxieties we have daily. Think of the last time you were lost in shame. It can be pretty hard to identify. It might be easier to look at the behaviors you may typically display when you are feeling shameful. Things like perfectionism, defensiveness, secretiveness, and even acts of self-harm are ways that shame drives behavior. If you’re having a hard time thinking of a time you were stuck in shame, work backwards from the last time you behaved in one of those ways.

When you’ve got an event in your mind, try to get to know your shame without judgement (judgement plays into our shame). What did your shame monster say? What does it look like? It may have been like a mirror, showing you the outcome of your worst fears coming true. It may even have the voice of a parent that was particularly hard on you.

I’ve often told myself and my clients to remove the shame and focus on living a happy balanced life. But how do you know if you’re doing that?

One way to connect with that is doing some fact checking. Ask yourself, are these fears based on real events in my life, like a poor performance review or a fight with a friend? If that is true, then maybe we should be a little worried or at least give these fears some more thought. But oftentimes, it is just shame telling you that these fears and anxieties are real. My guess is your friends and family don’t all secretly hate you.

Another way to look at it is through the lenses of your value system. Maybe your values are being kind, honest, and curious about life. These can be like guard rails, allowing us to check a box. By doing this, would I be hurting someone? Would I be compromising my honesty and integrity? Is this pushing me to be more curious and explore the world? Only you can really know that.

Next time your shame monster rears its head (it will) try and challenge it. Check in with yourself and wonder, will I regret not giving this a try? Am I selling myself short by giving up on myself? If so, don’t let your shame get in the way of what you really want and deserve. If the shame feels too big or you’re having a hard time separating it from what you truly feel, don’t hesitate to reach out. I would love to support you as you work to slay your shame monster.