The story so far…
In parts I and II, we learned that self-worth is a critical human resource often confused with what is known as “conditional acceptance.” This provisional approval requires us to earn our worthiness moment by moment, day by day. This fragile state of acceptance also presumes that we are unacceptable because we are innately less than. Inherent worth, however, assumes that we are worthy from the beginning because we are here. Self-worth is a birthright woven into our existence.
Additionally, we learned that chasing self-improvement illusions seems to be more important to us than owning the worth that is ours through the process of self-discovery. It seems we love our illusions more than we love our worth. These illusions surround our tendency to prefer the pursuit of control and dominion. We learned that self-discovery presupposes that instead of building something towards a state of completion, that here in this life, we are trying to uncover something that has always been complete.
Why do we feel so powerless to secure our worth?
The primary reason we struggle to secure our worthiness is that we tend to believe that the true authority surrounding our identity and worth is found outside of ourselves. This practice of finding
or determining one’s identity and worth from a source or force outside the individual is called “external locus of control,” and it can lead to a dependence on some person, place, or thing in the external universe to determine both the meaning and the worth of our being.
As children it is difficult to imagine that we could find our way to an alternative format for defining our identity and worth as our physical existence is so dependent on the caretakers who raise us. Thus, upon arriving in the airport of life we tend to pull our Identity and Worth suitcases off the carousel and immediately look for someone to relieve us from the weight of that baggage. Oblivious to the power and importance of this luggage, we tend to be quick to rely on some appointed or default authority figure to supply those identity and worth definitions. This means that we tend to believe that we do not exist until the right person outside of ourselves tells us that we exist. As our inherent worthiness is woven into our existence, we are prepared to devote the full measure of our time and energy towards securing that validation from that significant other. To not do so would be to risk displeasing the primary others whom we have empowered to confirm that we have permission to be here. Ironically, the opposite is true, the power to be here resides within us, as it is an organic aspect of our existence. The problem is that we are so quick to give it away.
One frequent problem with externalizing control over our worth estimations is that, due to our dependence in our developmental years, we tend to misjudge the qualifications of these authorities to whom we have entrusted our identity and worth. We then shy away from challenging value judgments as they are handed down to us. Should we want to embrace rather than resist these estimated values they still cannot be accurate enough as no person outside of us can know our soul more accurately than we can know ourselves.
Why are external authority figures unable to see the truth about our identity and worth?
External authorities like parents, preachers, teachers and peers, cannot see the truth of another’s soul is less about differences in values and/or intelligence and more about the external location of these authorities. Perceptions surrounding identity and worth definitions coming from outside the soul are prone to distortion. The viewpoint of the external authority is something akin to watching an accident from street level compared to the position of the inner self who has a birds-eye view of the roof-top witness. This suggests that we have been serving masters/authorities who on their best day are not in the position to see the truth of our authenticity.
This suggests that an internal locus of control is a more accurate and reliable source of identity and worth information. External souls are not privy to the multi-dimensional bits of knowledge that can be found within the soul. Internal control is making a connection with one’s authentic inner voice, while working to believe in the wisdom within that inner being. While it is rare to find a child who might connect with that deep inner self, every so often this anomaly does occur. It’s been said that those who know themselves with such clarity will appear crazy to others. They will sometimes be called an old soul or maybe characterized with phrases like, “yes that one there, marches to the beat of a different drummer.”
Furthermore, external authorities are unable to see the worthiness of who we are because of compensatory lenses. When we engage in self-improvement lifestyles, we are essentially compensating for this deep inner conviction that we are not good enough. Some examples of these compensatory practices include righteousness, martyrdom, perfectionism, and victim stance.
Take, for example, the father who fell short of his goal of becoming the perfect pitcher, who is now standing at the fence watching his son on the pitcher’s mound. Viewing his son’s performance through the lenses of perfection he sees what needs to be corrected. He sees his son’s errors and shortcomings, yelling out persistent directions and “how many times have I told you to do this or to stop doing that.” The message to the son is clear—you’re not good enough. The truth that the father does not see is that his son hates baseball. The son’s dream is to be a ballet dancer. The reality of his son’s identity and worth cannot be seen through the lens of perfectionism. Our compensatory lenses are biased and, by design, distort our vision of the soul. This means that we have been internalizing misinformation about our souls’ identity and worth, and we are living as though these distortions are true. In other words, externalizing the responsibility for securing our worth distracts us from the truth about who we are and why we are here. We are following the vision of so-called experts who are not actually qualified to see the true shape of our soul. We call the accumulation of these distorted perceptions “core beliefs.”
Where am I on my self-confidence journey?
Self-confidence: To believe in oneself; to believe oneself to be capable; to believe in one’s ability to master the process of learning, solving, and resolving.
Self-doubt: To maintain a state of disbelief in oneself; to be uncertain regarding one’s capability; to have misgivings about one’s ability to learn, solve, and resolve.
| Self-Confidence | |——|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–|—–| | Self-Doubt |
| 50 40 30 20 10 0 10 20 30 40 50 |
Tune in next month to learn about how the enormity of the core belief system affects our self-worth.
Larry Marshall is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy . Learn more about him on his BIO page.
