Family can be a difficult topic to dive into if your family dynamic is filled with conflict. Human beings crave relationship and togetherness, but the relationship we seek sometimes seems out of reach. One of the most significant struggles come when someone is navigating a difficult family dynamic, but wishes to maintain a relationship with their immediate family. Most struggle with how boundaries will affect this relationship or if heightened emotions or hurt feelings will break down the existing unit.
First and foremost, we have to understand the purpose of boundaries. Boundaries are not set with the intention of destroying anything, but instead serve to protect us and our peace from unhealthy patterns of behavior that may be outside of our control. For many of us, we struggle with saying no or confronting someone if they’ve hurt us or engaged in behavior that affects our mental health or our ability to maintain a close relationship. What we often need to do is reframe how we view the concept of setting a boundary. I personally find boundaries to portray an act of love in the context of family. Not just an act of love toward our family, but also toward ourselves. Boundaries communicate a clear level of understanding and promote emotional health. Here are a few steps and reminders to help:
1.Understand that your needs matter too
We have to learn to value ourselves and our needs. We’ve all heard “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” This is important to remember. We can’t continue to give to others at our own expense. It’s okay to put yourself first. We often feel that putting ourselves first is selfish, but here’s a spin on that misconception. In order to be the best version of ourselves, we have to prioritize ourselves. There is a huge difference in being selfish and prioritizing our well-being.
2. Be firm, but kind
The only way for someone else to understand what we need, is if we communicate those needs. Now, this is not an easy task and can often be uncomfortable, but you’ve got this! Courage and strength can be tapped into to help set those consistent boundaries. We can be firm in communicating our needs, but we don’t have to be mean or disrespectful. Being firm and assertive are respectful and healthy means of communication. I can relate to this one! I know how hard it is to step outside of our comfort zone, but it is necessary to promote overall emotional health.
3. Set realistic expectations for yourself and for others
We can absolutely maintain our family relationships if we choose to do so. The key is knowing your limits. Our boundaries can set limits on time we choose to spend in certain situations or events that we choose to attend. If we’re ever in a situation where we feel our boundaries are being violated, we can choose to leave. No explanation is needed. Just excuse yourself from the situation.
4. Practice being assertive
Assertive communication is expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct without being aggressive or passive. We simply say what we mean and mean what we say. This skill is very valuable, but it does take practice! It is a good skill to practice with safe people in your life. Once you’re comfortable in your ability to assert yourself, it will make setting boundaries much easier.
5. Place responsibility where it belongs
Once we’ve made it to a place where we can set boundaries, we may sometimes find ourselves dealing with the fallout. Anger and frustration from the other party can definitely make an appearance and it’s important to understand what to do with the emotions of others. The emotions and feelings of others are not your responsibility. Whew! That’s a hard one for many of us. We don’t want to see anyone hurt or upset by something we said or did, but just remember, these emotions are theirs to work through. They are allowed to feel what they feel, but it is not our responsibility to shoulder those emotions for them. There is freedom found in this step!
While family is a beautiful thing, it can be laced with challenges. This is why understanding boundaries and how they apply in the family unit can help us navigate these challenges as they arise. It is possible to have your cake and eat it too in some situations, but there may be times we find ourselves limiting our contact with family due to continued violation of boundaries. Just remember why you set those boundaries. Keep protecting your emotional health and your peace. Now that’s a New Years resolution I can get behind! If you ever need support in setting boundaries, please feel free to reach out to Greenway Therapy.
Tiffany Meek is Licensed Professional Counselor at Greenway Therapy. Learn more about her on her BIO page.