Forgiveness Starts With You

Forgiveness is a frequently discussed topic in the therapy space. As a couples counselor, I have heard many clients say, “I want to forgive them, but I just can’t move past what happened.” Betrayal, unkind words, and simple oversights can ring in our heads long after the event and apologies have been given. Even if the offender provides an authentic and genuine apology, it sometimes feels insufficient. Part of this is due to centering on the other person’s behavior rather than the experience you had and are currently having. Often, it is much easier to focus on something outside of you – the relationship, person, or action that caused the pain. You may even find yourself ruminating on the situation, becoming increasingly angry. So, how do we turn to the experience internally?

The first step in most of my work with my clients is shame reduction. In a world that celebrates productivity and operating at your most efficient, it is easy to unconsciously shame yourself into stuffing all your feelings down to maintain the status quo. In situations that have left you hanging on to pain, shame might sound like telling yourself, “Why can’t you let anything go?” or “You are so stupid. Of course you fell for this again”. There are many reasons this is not helpful, but in the context of forgiveness, it keeps you stuck in the pain rather than moving through it.

Once you have begun challenging the shame, the root of your pain will be easier to find. When you think about the pain associated with the situation, what parts of you feel most involved? It may be your pride, your perception of how well you know the person and your judgment, or a poor self-concept that confirms some negative thing you think of yourself. Once you understand why this offense feels so bad, you can understand what you must forgive and feel secure in the relationship again. This part is easier said than done. When asking what a client needs to forgive, I frequently hear, “I have no idea,” which makes sense because forgiveness would be really simple if we knew what we needed! You can identify action steps to achieving forgiveness by considering relationships in which you’ve felt immense trust. It could be a family member, partner, friend or colleague. What you want to focus on are the specific behaviors that were present in that relationship. Did they regularly affirm how they felt about you, keeping that negative self-talk at bay? They may be accountable for their actions and put their defenses aside to make you feel understood. Their vulnerability with you possibly created a safe space in the relationship to discuss difficult things. How we feel in each relationship is entirely unique, so there are endless ways that you have felt secure and trusted in each other.

Once you’ve identified a few ways the other person can help you regain trust, communicating directly will give them the best chance to live up to your expectations. It’s easy to wish or even expect our loved ones to automatically know what we need, but mindreading is rare, so let’s try being direct and straightforward. Unfortunately, this is not where the work ends. One of forgiveness’s most essential elements is remembering it is a choice. It is choosing to trust that this person cares for me and will try their best to not hurt me again. It is also the recognition that holding onto anger and resentment only harms you. It changes how you view things and interact with the world. The choice to forgive is the choice to unburden yourself from the pain that others have caused.

I want to be clear that not all people are deserving of forgiveness. If they do not acknowledge the pain they have caused or refuse to honor the boundaries you put in place to maintain the relationship, it could be more harmful to force yourself to stay in the relationship. In those situations, forgiveness may look like recognizing that they do not have the capacity to meet your needs and keep a place in your life, allowing both parties to move on.